Growing Pains

Hey my loves!

I know it has been forever since I wrote on here, but my senior year of college was insane, and to be honest I just wasn’t feeling inspired to write anything.

But I have had a hell of a summer, and I have just been feeling like I need an outlet, so HEY WHAT’S UP HELLO.

To catch everyone up, I graduated college in May and have been doing an Internship with a Parks and Rec department, and I LOVE IT. After a lot of soul searching and confusion, I have finally figured out what I want to do with my life (at least currently), and I feel better now that I have a direction to go into.

My internship has been great, but this summer has been a really painful, stressful, and emotional summer in all other aspects.

My life has gone through a lot of changes since this time last year, and I knew that was to be expected since graduating is a big thing in and of itself. However, I don’t think I really expected just how confusing and weird it would be to finally be done with school after over 15 years.

Job searching is incredibly stressful and overwhelming, and I didn’t think it would be so hard to find jobs in my field. In actuality, the Parks and Rec field is pretty hard to break into, and there aren’t very many full-time positions available. I will likely have to take on a few part time positions until I have more experience and can find something more sustainable.

That’s all well and good, but I think I assumed that I would find a job that was full-time and paid well right off the bat, so I had to give myself a little bit of a reality check.

In addition to this, one of my family members was diagnosed with lung cancer earlier this year, and it has been scary. She is doing better now, but not knowing what was going to happen for a while was really stressful. It still is touch and go, and all we can do is hope and pray that the doctors know what they are doing.

I also have gone through a really sudden and hurtful break up this summer, that I was not expecting. I am having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that you can give so much of yourself to someone, and ultimately, they might not appreciate it.

In terms of break ups, this one has been the worst I have gone through. This person was someone I literally was envisioning my future with, and I had thought I had finally found someone who was worth the wait.

He didn’t give me a reason as to why he wanted to end things either, which has made things even harder. One day everything was fine, and the next day it wasn’t, and I was given no explanation.

It’s been a month now, and It still hurts like hell. I am at least proud to say that I haven’t cried about it in a few weeks, but my heart hurts. I am fine when I am distracted, but when my mind wanders, I get sucked into the “What if’s” and the “Why did he do this to me” and the “How could I have let myself fall for someone just to get hurt again”.

But you know what? It’s his loss. It really is. Because he lost someone who truly loved him with all of her being and all of her heart, and I didn’t lose someone who loved me like that. I lost someone who clearly didn’t deserve all the love I was giving him.

So, for that, I am thankful. I deserve better than that, a hell of a lot better than that.

For now, I am solely focusing on my career goals and my own damn happiness.

For now, you can be God damn sure that I am dedicating the next six months on myself and only myself. All I need to be worrying about right now is my job, my goals, my health, my fitness, and self-love.

A SHIT TON of self-love.

This summer has brought a lot of changes, and a lot of growing pains. But I know that it all comes with growth and I am so ready to see what the future me has in store. I know future Stephanie is going to be a boss ass bitch, and she is THRIVING.

If any of you are struggling with a breakup or confused as to where your life is going, please know that you are not alone. I am right there with you honey, and I promise it does get better.

Take some deep breaths and take it day by day. It is 10000% okay to feel the feelings you have, they are valid. Allow yourself time to cry, and allow yourself time to feel angry, hurt, sad, and confused.

It might seem like the end of the world, whatever is going on in your life. But you have survived everything you have been through, and you will survive this too.

Make a to-do list, create a bomb ass Spotify playlist, hang out with your friends, do what makes you HAPPY.

Healing is not linear. Accept that fact that you will have good days and bad days, and just let it be.

But I promise that you will overcome every obstacle, and you will make it through this rough patch stronger than you ever were before.

In the words of Kris Jenner, “You’re doing amazing sweetie!!”

XOXO,

Steph