Mental Health Check!

Let’s talk about mental health…

I’m sure I am not the only one who has noticed a huge negative change in my mental health since we first shut down for COVID-19 in March. I have suffered with anxiety most of my adult life, and it is normally manageable, but this year I have found that it has really ramped up. Instead of having situational anxiety attacks (which I have suffered from in the past), It’s more of a constant state of stress, which has caused me to feel much more on edge than I usually am.

Not to mention, the giant sense of doom that has been looming over me for the past 8 months. Anyone else?

If you told me a year ago what would be occurring today, I would have laughed in your face. I would have quite literally told you to shut up, and not to tell such atrocious jokes.

But this isn’t a joke. This isn’t a dystopian novel. This is real life, and it’s been rough to say the least.

If you didn’t know, I actually lost my own grandfather to Covid in May. He was going through cancer treatments, and during a stint in the hospital he caught Covid, and unfortunately passed away alone in the hospital.

Traumatic is the only word I can think of to explain the devastation of this, and the events following. To have not been able to say goodbye, to have not been able to be there to hold his hand. To find out through a 3am phone call where my own mother had a nurse tell her that they were trying to resuscitate him, but it wasn’t looking good, and a subsequent phone call telling us he didn’t make it. Then came the funeral, where we weren’t able to hug most of our family members, and masks were required. It was a nightmare.

I am sure some of you have experienced something like this year as well, and if that is the case, I am truly and deeply sorry. It has been terrible, and hard to navigate, and I know what you are going through.

On top of all of that, it has been hard because I started a job I absolutely love in March and had to go straight into working from home only two weeks into the job. I met everyone, and then immediately had to start working remotely. We are working more from the office now, but it still isn’t how I hoped my first year on the job would be like, and that has been a huge adjustment for me.

I know this year has brought a lot of this same disappointment to others. I know I am lucky to even still have a job this year, as many people have been laid off or their businesses have not made it. Even those who still have jobs have faced changes to the normal structure, lay-offs, and uncertainty.

With a second lockdown looming over us, I can feel my mental stability wavering.

I have had days where I just feel low, and angry, and lost. I have never experienced depression before, but I have definitely experienced days where I have felt depressed recently.

Right now, I feel stuck. I am stuck at home because moving out during a lockdown doesn’t seem like it would be good for me. I am stuck at work, because with Covid restrictions it has been hard to really do more than virtual and take-home programs. I am stuck in my love life because dating during a pandemic isn’t working out either (especially now when outside dates aren’t really ideal). I. Am. Stuck.

So, with all of that being said, what can I (and you) do about it?

I haven’t quite figured it all out yet, but I do know what has been helping. I have been trying to lean on friends and tell them how I am feeling. Just having someone to vent to does wonders, and I have found through these conversations that I am not alone in how I am feeling.  

I have made lists of shows and books that I want to get through during this lockdown. I know that Netflix isn’t the most productive thing, but if watching a good crime documentary or trashy reality show makes me happy- I am gonna do it.

I am going to let myself grieve the loss of my grandpa knowing that it is normal and okay to feel sad, and that I am allowed to cry and that I don’t have to be strong all of the time.

I am not going to be so hard on myself. I might feel like my career is at a standstill, but that’s okay. It is okay to just be where I am right now. I don’t need to be progressing just yet- sometimes it is okay to just “Be”.

Not being hard on myself also means that it is okay that I have gained a few pounds since this all started, and it is okay that I haven’t actually mastered anything during this time. In the beginning of this, I totally thought I was going to use this time to better myself, do more at home workouts, or learn something new. However, motivation has been LOW, and I fully have decided that it is okay if all I can do right now is survive.

That is key right now. All we have to do is SURVIVE.

If that means spending the next 4 months on the couch not doing anything other than watching reruns of the Office, that is just fine. A global pandemic is something that none of us have ever experienced before, so there is no “right” way to do this.

I think that for right now, our own happiness is the most important thing. Even if the situation isn’t great, we can do things to cheer ourselves up. Find a few things that make you happy, and just keep doing them. If you find yourself spiraling, as we all will at some point this year, talk to someone. Your mental health is IMPORTANT right now, don’t ignore it and dismiss it. Feel those feelings, talk it out, and please get help if you need it!

It is okay to not be okay right now. I think most of us are NOT living our best lives right now. But that is okay, this is just a really hard chapter, and we are just about to turn the page. <3

XOXO

-Steph